Some dude with a top hat.

Abraham Lincoln created peanut butter and wanted to give credit for it to a black person so the southerners would accept the blacks as their equals. However, before the plan could be put into action, John Wilkes Booth, who "despised legume racial harmony", got wind of the plan and shot Lincoln. 31 years later, the plan was revived by President Grover Cleveland. Cleveland heard of a young black botanist, Carver, who had invented over 300 uses for peanuts, but amazingly, "mashing them up and eating them wasn't one of them". Cleveland constructed an ingenious plan to allow Carver to receive credit by leaving a jar of peanut butter to an unknowing Carver, who received the credit for the invention. There is thought to be a Jar of Truth that has prove that Carver did not invent peanut butter but the Illuminati are dedicated to finding it and destroying it to keep the world from going back into racism.

One of the greatest presidents ever. Fought for the concept that secession was unconstitutional (as it violated the concept of democracy--if the guy you voted for lost, you have to deal with it) and aided in the disestablishment of the institution of slavery. Though the Hartford Convention did consider secession, it was not the main focus of the agenda, and was political suicide for the Federalists. Moreover, limiting free speech during times of war is not something unique, as it has happened many times since Lincoln's day. It should also be noted, secession is mentioned nowhere in the Constitution as a right, it is mentioned in the Declaration of Independance, but that was not a legal document. Therefore he didn't deny anyone anything unusual.

When your girl is watching a movie, and you are masturbating in the other room. You run in and shoot her in the head with your ejaculate screaming "Sic semper tyrannis!"

A previous entry had only half of the definition. The Abraham Lincoln is a two-part sex act. First, your girl blows you, and then pulls out and lets you come on her face. Then you pull out some pubic hairs and throw them on her face, then making her resemble Abraham Lincoln's beard.

Then after you've recouped, you bend your girl over and pound her doggiestyle, and right before you come, you say "It's a beautiful day at the theater, Mr. Lincoln!" and then pull out and shoot your load on the back of your girlie's head.

the only good republican

The sixteenth president of the United States of America, and in this author's opinion a great example of what America is supposed to be about. A strong leader during a time of crisis, he helped to secure the rights of life, liberty, property, and the pursuit of happiness for those who had never known any of these before. His work in starting the Reconstruction was such that not even his successor (and one of the worst presidents the US ever had, in the author's opinion), Andrew Johnson, could reverse it. A leader of a caliber that not even some of the original Founding Fathers could match. America needs more politicians like him, who know what it means to lead a free country.

a raging asshole

(EH•brah•HAM•LINK•con)v.
to sneak up behind a seated victim and blow a fart in their ear. so called because it represents assassin john wilkes boothe's stealthy shot in the ford theatre some hundred and thirty years ago.