Human Resources
by earpuller on Dec 01, 2010 12:01:55
If a company is a house, then Human Resources is
the septic tank; all the shit goes there. Human Resources, better known as HR, is the lowest place in a
corporation's hierarchy, although they make themselves important by gaining the ability to control who works and who doesn't. To be a success in HR one must lose all trace of humanity and become a robot (becoming a whore is also advisable.) To paraphrase
Willie Nelson,"mommas, dont let your babies grow up to be HR drones, don't let 'em be robots or whores or sluts, make 'em be robbers or car thieves and such....."
Example:
when i was a child, i thought like a child, but when i grew up and started working in Human Resources, i knew i had lost my soul, and to appease my new gods i fired my best friend, my girlfriend, my brother, an Iraqi
war veteran with a
silver star and a distinguished service cross, and the guy who saved me from drowning when i was a kid. what a
good day's work!!
Human Resources
by Honest Richard on Nov 21, 2013 08:42:37
The Gestapo arm of (inept) corporate middle management.
They
enforce the law of the large corporate ladder in that you must not unintentionally threaten the job of anyone above you by outperforming them through hard work to deliver positive results for the organisation even if that hard work is necessitated by their ineptitude.
You must earn them their promotion first in order to "build relationships" so that they do not turn the corporate Gestapo onto you for investigation into your behaviour (a witch hunt in which you are accused) where the outcome is that your bridge will ultimately be burned and the inept corporate
middle manager will not be found out until after your bridge has been burnt and they have
staved of their eventual sacking from the hard work you have done in order to ensure positive outcomes for the organisation.
Example:
Employee: Holy Shit! This situation has led the organisation to be in a position where it cannot deliver to expectations.
Manager: Get it done Richard!
Employee: Right on it Sir/Madam. You can count on me.
Manager: Thanks Richard! Human Resources, please investigate Richard the nigger for not being in line with the mission and values of the organisation.
Corporate Gestapo: Ya
Voll, Herr
Middle Manager. You can count on us - we know the law and we are the law. We will performance manage this mofo because we are professionals.
Human Resources
by gremlin on Feb 23, 2005 02:58:22
The sort of people who, when considering
CVs of job applicants, remove from the list people who are better than them, just to protect their jobs. Devious evil scum, who are in
personnel or
human resources because they have fucked up every other job, fucked the General Manager or both.
Example:
The sort of people who, when considering job applicants to run post-invasion Iraq, would consider
Saddam Hussien,
Fidel Castro or Robert Mugabe, as a) They all hold Doctorates. b) "Have relevant experience and
contacts." c) Have done the job before.
Human Resources
by I ain't nothin' but a number on Dec 17, 2004 11:57:56
Example:
The "God's" making important decisions which affect the lives of the employees who work under them, causing employees to become angered; they then hide behind locked doors,
fearing for their lives, while providing
nachos for the employees in the lunchroom to try and
make peace
human resources
by Bassboy on Jun 13, 2006 07:55:38
The department within a business responsible for the
progression of the company through people management. Usually hated by employees at lower levels due to managers passing on their
dirty work i.e disciplinaries,
firing and redundancies.
Example:
Manaer to employee:
Don't worry Jack, I'm the best manager in the world and I'll make sure you won't lose your job.
Manager to
Human Resources Rep:
This Jack guy is a liabilaty. I need to get rid of him, will you
dismiss him for me.
Jack to his friends:
My manager was great. He did everything he could to save my job but
HR fired me. Fucking pricks!
Human Resources
by Awbster on Nov 03, 2006 11:54:19
Used to be called
Personnel or the Personnel Department. When they renamed to Human Resources (a
pompous new name for
PERSONNEL!) everyone else called them Human Remains!
Example:
Person A: Why is the company in so much trouble?
Person B: Too many
bums in Human Resources.
Person A: Don't you mean Human
Remains? (
snigger)
human resources bitch
by TenHands on Feb 15, 2011 01:50:27
A fat
ungly bitch who works in the
HR departement of a company, and who thinks she's the boss of everyone, screaming and making scenes with other employees. This behaviour is due to the lack of self
accomplishment she is experienceing.
Example:
(regular employee)"Hi Cindy, could you give me a empty
type B form?"
(
Human Resources bitch)"(yelling)What the fuck!? Can't you see
I'm busy?(no she's not)?! Get your own fucking form!!!"