Attorneys

A person who, after at least three years of intense, post-graduate studies, must pass a very difficult proficiency exam (the bar exam) in most states in order to do someting as simple as defend a person against a DWI charge. Of course, this moron that is charged with the DWI is probably the same person who wrote the definition of attorney as "assmonkey," because this human stain has no idea (and only subscribes to juvenile/comedic groupthink) what most attorneys go through to be zealous advocates of their clients. Naturally, there are bad attorneys, just as all priests don't molest little boys. There are mechanisms in place to ensure that even attorneys accused of misconduct are given the same fair tribunal that everyone else is entitled to before being suspended or disbarred. Attorneys are some of the most powerful people in the nation: they can defend citizens to prevent them losing their property, liberty, and even their very lives. Some of the more prominent attorneys in the United States were its founding fathers. Others fought for the emancipation of slaves, voting rights for women and minorities, desegregation of public schools and facilities, and the very freedom to call them assmonkeys. Before opening your ignorant mouth in the future and engaging in a "lawyer joke," consider where the nation would be without them. For better or worse, we would not be a civilized society without them.This definition applies primarily to United States attorneys, and not so much to my learned brethren across the pond, namely barristers and solicitors.



Attorney

by Downstrike on Sep 14, 2004 11:26:06

A legislator-in-training who hopes to grow up to be a real politician some day. See job security.
Example:
Most legilators either have been, or eventually become attorneys, who practice the very law that legislators write, leading to a horrific conflict of interest between the two professions, by which government of the people is by the attorneys, for the attorneys.


Attorney

by dodmedium on Feb 10, 2012 19:57:47

Someone who encourages another person (usually, a friend) to pursue illegal, socially unacceptable, and/or dangerous activities. The encouraged activity will usually result in damage or suffering to the encouraged party, eliciting good times and hilarity for the attorney and other spectators.

This use originated in the Hunter Thompson book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" which was later adapted into a film by Terry Gilliam.
Example:
As your attorney, I advise you to blow off work and get ripped with me.

As your attorney, I advise you to smoke 10 bowls in a row and then ride your bike down this steep hill.


attorney

by skimahorn on Feb 21, 2008 10:24:29

A person that never creates wealth. An attorney waits for some other entity to do something, make something,or have something so that they may attempt to pry some of that wealth away from the entity which actually did domething useful.

Often confused with a duece.

Typical habitat is a golf course.
Example:
Jim: I just got a letter from an attorney; we are being sued.

John: Why?

Jim: According to the letter from this attorney, his client wrecked her car last week in front of our business because she was so surprised by all of the cars in our employee parking lot.

John: (Sarcastically) Well there you go, I told you should not employ so many people!


attorneys

by psychobabbleculvercity on Mar 14, 2011 07:35:45

The largest organized crime syndicate ever devised.
Example:
attorneys
hey lets pretend we care about people and help them in their greatest time of need. But we'll make it so complicated and expensive that we'll suck even more money from these stupid losers to make them feel even more stupid and completely helpless and poor that they won't even be able to buy bullets to go postal on everyone that deserves it.


Cocksucking Attorney

by JusticeThePup on Mar 23, 2023 07:52:12

1. Incorporates August 30, 2007 definition of the word Cocksucker.
2. Applies to attorneys who take one position on a legal matter.
3. However, in court, they actively exploit the legal matter to their benefit, to the detriment of others.
4. Typically used in situations related to poor ethics where the attorney puts their own personal interest ahead of their client or the courts.
Example:
1. (Class Action Settlement) "Did you hear about that settlement for the iThingy Defect? I got .38 cents for it and the attorneys at Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe told us they were doing this out of principle, and not looking for a payday, yet they received $62 million. Those Cocksucking Attorneys!"

2. (Litigation) "I can't believe the courts sanctioned me for bringing a frivolous lawsuit. Schlosky told my case was solid, made me pay him $5,000 to file this lawsuit, and now I have to pay a $10,000 fine to the court! Michael is such a Cocksucking Attorney!

3. (Public Debate) "Did you read Einhorn's argument against using waivers to disclaim fraud in court? Yet this guy is using the same tactics to get his dirty client off the hook? How can this Cocksucking Attorney sleep at night."

4. (Conflict of Interest) "I found out today that Lisa, my attorney for the malpractice suit that left me disabled, is a cousin for the doctor we're suing. How can I trust her when she's spending holidays with that monster. I now question everything she's ever told me about this case, and need to fire her ASAP. She is such a Cocksucking Attorney."

5. (Poorly managed expectations) "That Cocksucking Attorney Ralph told us to expect a windfall from being insulted by the waitress of Bojangles, we paid him over $100,000 to represent us, and all we got were coupons for free pancakes".


Ace Attorney

by Donnman on Mar 18, 2013 22:13:21

A courtroom/crime drama series by Capcom which started in Japan in 2001 as a GameBoy Advance game called Gyakuten Saiban. More commonly identified by its rather popular titular character, Phoenix Wright. You basically have to investigate every crime, with some interesting/annoying characters along the way then battle it out in the courtroom with prosecutors who are German or arrogant as f***. Also, 3 of the games have the assistants underage for no goddamn reason. Has currently 5 games released in the US, 7 in Japan (not including one spinoff) and one announced for both regions. Has a crapton of Mangas and Artbooks. Also has quite the supply of rabid fangirls who are guaranteed to ship every two characters in the series together. ALL OF THEM. Their fans are dedicated to the series, to the point that when the main character changed for once most of them were so angry Phoenix Wright had to get back. Also, has many ask roleplay blogs on Tumblr.

Titular Characters: Phoenix Wright, Apollo Justice, Miles Edgeworth
Example:
Fangirl: OH EM GEE THIS TWO I SHIP THEM TOO MUCH EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK *faints*

Person 1: OBJECTION!
Person 2: SHUT UP.

Fan: APOLLO JUSTICE SUCKS PHOENIX WRIGHT FTW

Fangirl: EDGEWORTH!!!!111one!!! *faints*

Fan: Guys, the new Ace Attorney game has Phoenix Wright again!
Other Fans: YESSSSSS!!!

*insert Tumblr here*


Keyboard Attorney

by Killmonger55485 on May 25, 2020 00:34:18

Random kids on the internet who think they're attorneys without knowing what the hell it is. They think they're lawyers, when in reality they don't know jack, and their moms just told the they're good at arguing and that they should become a lawyer.
Example:
Beyond Scared Straight Deputy: Hit me if you want to, girl!

Girl: *Hits deputy

"Lukezilla" from Youtube: "lEgaLLy iF sOmeONe gIvEs yOu pErmISsIon aS tHe OfFiceR dID iT is oKAy tO hIt tHe pERson gIRl dID nOthIng wRonG"

Me: Okay "Lukezilla". Smh, so many Keyboard Attorneys out here

Lukezilla's mom: "Lukey stop being a Keyboard Attorney and go to bed"

Lukezilla: Shut up bitch I'll kill you!


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